“What is the most important ingredient to a life long marriage?”  Our Pastor asked us this question during our five months of premarital counseling.  To his surprise, my less-than-romantic response was, “Commitment and discipline.”  After almost 13 years of marriage couple with 8 years of performing weddings and pre-marital/marriage counseling, I continue to believe commitment and discipline are important ingredients to a life-long marriage.  However, I’ve come to realize there is another, more important ingredient:  spouse selection.  Enjoying a strong, life-long marriage really begins before the engagement.  It begins by wisely considering what we are looking for in a spouse.

I wonder if this isn’t why receiving a parent’s blessing was so important in previous generations.  I also wonder if this isn’t why many cultures arrange marriages—to leverage the marriage wisdom of previous generations.  Regardless, the importance of spouse selection is found in Scripture and supported in modern research.

This report includes information gleaned from this study.  Interestingly, when discussing the oft quoted statistics about the approximately 50% probability of a marriage ending in divorce, the authors point out ingredients that significantly reduce that probability.  Most of those ingredients connect with spouse selection, and mesh with Biblical teaching.  For example:

A household income above $50,000 decreases the probability of divorce by 30%, when compared to a household income of $25,000.  So, we see that financial stability means a lower chance of divorce.  That makes sense.  Money issues are some of the most fought over problems in marriages.  So, beginning your marriage with some financial security ought to correlate to less marital strife, and less divorce.  It reminds me of one of the lessons we learned in pre-marital counseling, one that I’ve shared with every couple I’ve counseled.

Genesis 2:24 reads, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” (ESV).  Note the sequence:  leaving comes before holding fast.  We might include a lot in that ‘leaving:’ emotional, financial and physical separation from mom and dad.  Thus, our Pastor encouraged us to evaluate our finances—could we support ourselves—along with our ‘apron strings.’

Does that mean one should put off marriage until they are making $50,000 a year?  Not necessarily.  Perhaps the real issue is cash flow.  I would suggest a couple could be just as happily married at $30,000 as they are at $50,000.  My wife and I were quite satisfied early in our marriage, despite low incomes and the cost of Seminary.  We lived in a tiny apartment, ate the cheapest food we could find, and all of our furniture was either hand-me-down or dumpster found.  We didn’t have anywhere near $50,000/yr in combined income (I don’t even think it was $30k). Yet, we were quite content.  Why?  We didn’t mind the hand-me-downs, etc.  We understood that we couldn’t afford romantic weekends away, new furniture or exquisite meals.  We knew that eating out for our anniversary meant saving for the entire year.

So, the issue is really an honest assessment.  Can you and your future spouse be happy living within your present means?  If so, great!  If not, maybe you need to delay marriage or adjust your expectations.

As you prepare for marriage, then, prioritize your finances.  Avoid building up unnecessary debt (and most debt young adults build is unnecessary). College loans, cars, credit cards and such place an enormous burden upon your future marriage.  The wise man either avoids debt, eschewing luxuries, or waits to marry until their debt is retired.